Back to Reality...

Writing for me has always been therapeutic. But I don't get to do it often enough. It's not that I don't have time, but I don't make time, or set aside time, to do the things that bring me the most joy. Maybe this is the reason why my life doesn't hold much of it. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life and something inside me feels the need to write it down. There are those who would argue that this is a good thing; however, while it is good to write it down, many may not agree with the "where" it is written. Blogging is a great way to get it all out and say it to the world without really telling a sole. These words can sit here forever, or at least for a very long time, without ever being discovered and no one would be the wiser. But, what keeps me from really writing it ALL down is that there are those that CAN, if they chose to, find me here and would then know the essence of me, my feelings and my thoughts. Not that this is really a huge problem, but then you find yourself having to explain shit, when the main purpose of writing it down, and not "discussing" it is the sheer anonymity of it all. One thing, I'm sure of is that I'll never name anyone outright because although I am not a private person, naturally, seems as though everyone I've ever dealt with in my life seems to be - and very at that. Nonetheless, here I am writing it down. Bearing my soul. Getting back to the reason for this blog in the beginning.

interrupted......

I have lost my chain of thought, but since I have the time, I'm going to continue to type until my flow returns. The problem with being on a roll is that when you're stopped sometimes it all just goes away. In the interest of being able to keep it real and not feed a load of crap to this blog, I may have to stop before I begin rambling. Oh.... okay, I got it.

So, I've been thinking a lot about my life and how I arrived at this place. And where exactly is this place. I'm not sure. Let's see. I'm in my mid 40's. Graduated college; summa cum laude. Have a job that I don't like (it's not horrible, I just don't like the work that i'm doing - feel I should be doing more, but I'll get back to that at some point). One child finished college, getting ready for graduate school, another one, younger, in private school - seems to be on the right track, for now at least. Great family ties, the ones that bind, really tight! Partner. Friends and acquaintences. Sounds like a normal life so far. But it's really far from any life that I know of. I can point to a thousand examples of "why couldn't that have been me" and see normal, upward mobility and spirit. Things that I wish to posses, but currently do not. I was full of these things in my 20's. My thirties were a hard wash and now here I am looking back and trying to pin point that pivotal moment where shit started rolling toward the fan. And although specs of it has hit it, there's not really been any major "uh-ohs," and splats. But I feel that's where I'm heading and before I get there - I want to try to slow the roll and change the course.

I think I should first begin with the things that I am full control of right at this moment and that's things that deal with ONLY me! Not involving anyone else. I'll list a few things and then I'll prioritize and see which ones can and should be dealth with and are probably the easiest to deal with: in no particular order they are - job, weight, clutter, career decision, education, aesthetics, spirit, motivation, soul searching, love, romance, self-esteem, health, friends, activity, confusion, understanding and peace.

What I did was write down things that are disturbing to me right now and I'm going to give this a bit of thought - serious thought - prioritze, focus in and get something accomplished.

Thinking........

Impress Me!

The application process to get into a private school is in place to weed out those who would not be able to keep up with the challenges and pace of the private sector and the advanced learning. They recruit the cream of the crop and educate them, sometimes from as early as nursery. The fast track to private, elite schools begins early and can end with a degree from some the top ivy league institutions in America. Isn't this fantastic?? Isn't this country great??

Yea.... While this is great and can also present great opportunities for children in "under-served" communities (code for black kids living in low-income communities), I remain unimpressed. The general consensus is that if you make it into a "private" school and can remain there, you are on the right track and the path to success. What makes me angry is that these institutions teach kids who are mostly at the top of their game - but to impress me, I would like to see a private school challenge their educators by teaching the hard-to-teach. I am not sure why it's acceptable practice to take the good and make them better instead of bringing up the whole of the human race. My belief is that if you educate all levels of intellect, you could close the gaps in education, economics and social classes.

But to even the playing field is not the American way!! It's totally unpatriotic to want us all to rise together..... So let's keep this crap going!!!

The Tipping Point.....

I need to talk about the educational system in this country because it is consuming my thoughts and once again I can't get back to the business of me. But this is life. There are distractions that lead you in another direction but what's important is that at some point you get back on track. Right now, I'm just not sure when that point will be because what's troubling me right now is most prevalent in my mind.

Not sure where to start because there's so much i need to say on this topic of public vs. private schools. I am of the opinion that education is a right and not a privilege. With that said, I think that in America we are fortunate to have an educational system whereas no one is denied an education (not now anyway). However, it has become an increasing trend that in order for your child to get a "good" or "better" education, it will have to come from the private sector. While this may be true, has anyone stopped to consider why. Exactly what is a good education. What does it entail and what is the role of the teachers or educators in providing this sort of education. I need a moment to ponder this question and maybe do a bit of research before I can attempt to answer this question as honest and as factual as I can. For this reason, I will have to abandon this post and get back to it tomorrow and hopefully my life.

Thoughts....

There was a lot for me to think about today. Thoughts are still flooding my mind to the point where I can't write effectively. So many thoughts about my life, things that went on in the world over the last few days, just blew my mind. I spent the better part of the day reflecting on my past (I do this a lot) and thinking about my next move. Then I came home to settle in for some politics and was enraged by the discussion of the events that took place over who's right and who's wrong. Senseless deaths, shameful displays of patriotism - it all just makes me sick. Also, I have a very important meeting tomorrow and I'm pissed because I know that I'm gonna go in there recite the perfunctory responses I know need to be said, when I really want to know who gives them the right to make crucial decisions about things they don't know I really can't understand. The System! It really stinks and I wish I could do more to change it...... Who knows. Maybe I will.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Maybe I'll be able to continue my journey, but today, I'm simply distracted......

Chapter One

Last night I started a blog basically to get my web life organized and in the process, am realizing that, or getting the feeling that, a lot more will come of this than I initially thought. But I refuse to go any further without giving proper credit to the Blog that gave me the inspiration. While searching the "net" yesterday I ran across a blog with the title that included words from a song I am very moved by and love. It was titled "The Rest is Still Unwritten," and it was very nicely written and the author explained his quest for recognition in very clear terms and in a very real, original way. This moved me, as did his words, to get myself organized and create a space for finding my way to recognition. However, the difference is I am trying first to recognize who I am as much as being driven by the desire to become recognized by a relatively well-sized circle. With that said, I would like to start by saying that I looked back today on what I had done yesterday and was very pleased with what I had begun. The problem is what to write on a daily basis will help me help myself and also be of some kind of inspiration for that other someone who may run across my blog and thus be inspired.

First let me begin with how I arrived at where I am. Not that I can get it all down in one blog, but I can at least try and begin somewhere. No doubt, I will be all over the place, but I will try to fill in as many blank periods of time and make connections where it just doesn't make sense and above all I will be as honest as I feel I can with exposing my most intimate thoughts.

I am 45 and am as lost and as found as I can possibly be. A few years ago, I started to really question the purpose of life, or better yet my life. I have travelled roads that were paved mostly by me yet somehow find a bit of comfort knowing that others have had similar travels. Right now my life is filled with questions, voids and an occasional solution to dilemmas and situations I find myself in without really understanding how I arrived at that place. I won't always speak in metaphoric terms; nor will I ever outright name names and places for fear that those involved may not care to know what my interpretation of a particular event may have been.

Anyway, as I was saying, I am 45 years old and I am as lost and as found as I can possibly be. Now let me attempt to explain this because I find that I do this a lot now - describe myself in one term as well as the flip side of that term. I think that means that I am there, but in recognizing that, I am already on my way to the other side. So, when I say I am lost, I am; but I am in the process of learning where I want to be. I just have not arrived. The course I am plotting, I hope will eventually get me there. And for me, right now, "there" is a place of peace, happiness, comfort, security and love. I have not lived a charmed life, but it has been one filled with unyielding support and love from a Mom who is without a doubt my biggest fan and cheerleader, and running a close second is my daughter, who has brought me more joy that I can ever effectively describe. There are others in my life who also provide me with the vertebrae to weather the toughest storms, but "my girls" are parallel to none. Nonetheless, I am determined to find my comfort zone before all is said and done. And in my quest to success, I realize that I actually have to begin with me. My success is not going to come from material possessions, or the perfect job, or having lots of money. Success for me will begin when I am true to who I am and want I want out of life. I realize that I'm not gonna get there by looking out for or putting others before myself. I have to first realize that I have to be comfortable with my decisions and let those decisions reflect what I want and not what I think will make others happy. This is step one.....