Back to Reality...

Writing for me has always been therapeutic. But I don't get to do it often enough. It's not that I don't have time, but I don't make time, or set aside time, to do the things that bring me the most joy. Maybe this is the reason why my life doesn't hold much of it. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life and something inside me feels the need to write it down. There are those who would argue that this is a good thing; however, while it is good to write it down, many may not agree with the "where" it is written. Blogging is a great way to get it all out and say it to the world without really telling a sole. These words can sit here forever, or at least for a very long time, without ever being discovered and no one would be the wiser. But, what keeps me from really writing it ALL down is that there are those that CAN, if they chose to, find me here and would then know the essence of me, my feelings and my thoughts. Not that this is really a huge problem, but then you find yourself having to explain shit, when the main purpose of writing it down, and not "discussing" it is the sheer anonymity of it all. One thing, I'm sure of is that I'll never name anyone outright because although I am not a private person, naturally, seems as though everyone I've ever dealt with in my life seems to be - and very at that. Nonetheless, here I am writing it down. Bearing my soul. Getting back to the reason for this blog in the beginning.

interrupted......

I have lost my chain of thought, but since I have the time, I'm going to continue to type until my flow returns. The problem with being on a roll is that when you're stopped sometimes it all just goes away. In the interest of being able to keep it real and not feed a load of crap to this blog, I may have to stop before I begin rambling. Oh.... okay, I got it.

So, I've been thinking a lot about my life and how I arrived at this place. And where exactly is this place. I'm not sure. Let's see. I'm in my mid 40's. Graduated college; summa cum laude. Have a job that I don't like (it's not horrible, I just don't like the work that i'm doing - feel I should be doing more, but I'll get back to that at some point). One child finished college, getting ready for graduate school, another one, younger, in private school - seems to be on the right track, for now at least. Great family ties, the ones that bind, really tight! Partner. Friends and acquaintences. Sounds like a normal life so far. But it's really far from any life that I know of. I can point to a thousand examples of "why couldn't that have been me" and see normal, upward mobility and spirit. Things that I wish to posses, but currently do not. I was full of these things in my 20's. My thirties were a hard wash and now here I am looking back and trying to pin point that pivotal moment where shit started rolling toward the fan. And although specs of it has hit it, there's not really been any major "uh-ohs," and splats. But I feel that's where I'm heading and before I get there - I want to try to slow the roll and change the course.

I think I should first begin with the things that I am full control of right at this moment and that's things that deal with ONLY me! Not involving anyone else. I'll list a few things and then I'll prioritize and see which ones can and should be dealth with and are probably the easiest to deal with: in no particular order they are - job, weight, clutter, career decision, education, aesthetics, spirit, motivation, soul searching, love, romance, self-esteem, health, friends, activity, confusion, understanding and peace.

What I did was write down things that are disturbing to me right now and I'm going to give this a bit of thought - serious thought - prioritze, focus in and get something accomplished.

Thinking........