Chapter One

Last night I started a blog basically to get my web life organized and in the process, am realizing that, or getting the feeling that, a lot more will come of this than I initially thought. But I refuse to go any further without giving proper credit to the Blog that gave me the inspiration. While searching the "net" yesterday I ran across a blog with the title that included words from a song I am very moved by and love. It was titled "The Rest is Still Unwritten," and it was very nicely written and the author explained his quest for recognition in very clear terms and in a very real, original way. This moved me, as did his words, to get myself organized and create a space for finding my way to recognition. However, the difference is I am trying first to recognize who I am as much as being driven by the desire to become recognized by a relatively well-sized circle. With that said, I would like to start by saying that I looked back today on what I had done yesterday and was very pleased with what I had begun. The problem is what to write on a daily basis will help me help myself and also be of some kind of inspiration for that other someone who may run across my blog and thus be inspired.

First let me begin with how I arrived at where I am. Not that I can get it all down in one blog, but I can at least try and begin somewhere. No doubt, I will be all over the place, but I will try to fill in as many blank periods of time and make connections where it just doesn't make sense and above all I will be as honest as I feel I can with exposing my most intimate thoughts.

I am 45 and am as lost and as found as I can possibly be. A few years ago, I started to really question the purpose of life, or better yet my life. I have travelled roads that were paved mostly by me yet somehow find a bit of comfort knowing that others have had similar travels. Right now my life is filled with questions, voids and an occasional solution to dilemmas and situations I find myself in without really understanding how I arrived at that place. I won't always speak in metaphoric terms; nor will I ever outright name names and places for fear that those involved may not care to know what my interpretation of a particular event may have been.

Anyway, as I was saying, I am 45 years old and I am as lost and as found as I can possibly be. Now let me attempt to explain this because I find that I do this a lot now - describe myself in one term as well as the flip side of that term. I think that means that I am there, but in recognizing that, I am already on my way to the other side. So, when I say I am lost, I am; but I am in the process of learning where I want to be. I just have not arrived. The course I am plotting, I hope will eventually get me there. And for me, right now, "there" is a place of peace, happiness, comfort, security and love. I have not lived a charmed life, but it has been one filled with unyielding support and love from a Mom who is without a doubt my biggest fan and cheerleader, and running a close second is my daughter, who has brought me more joy that I can ever effectively describe. There are others in my life who also provide me with the vertebrae to weather the toughest storms, but "my girls" are parallel to none. Nonetheless, I am determined to find my comfort zone before all is said and done. And in my quest to success, I realize that I actually have to begin with me. My success is not going to come from material possessions, or the perfect job, or having lots of money. Success for me will begin when I am true to who I am and want I want out of life. I realize that I'm not gonna get there by looking out for or putting others before myself. I have to first realize that I have to be comfortable with my decisions and let those decisions reflect what I want and not what I think will make others happy. This is step one.....